A partner who cheats inflicts multiple wounds. He or she betrays, deceives, and blindsides a person. Each of these emotional blows violates trust and turns a person’s heart and world upside down. Feelings of grief and loss are often accompanied by searing emotional pain and confusion.
One brutal aspect of this situation may be the shock factor. The instant a person makes the discovery a partner is cheating, her world feels shattered. Often a person spins and obsesses about what was real and what was a lie regarding her partner. She may try to locate elements of the truth in the rubble of her past to find reassurance that her sense of reality isn’t completely faulty. Desperate to trust her perception again, she may struggle to differentiate the authentic aspects of the relationship from the deceptions.
As the person sifts through her past and clings to the aspects of the relationship that are authentic and can be trusted, she may decide to remain with the partner. Yet, as she attempts to move forward, often a wave of fear grips her and hurls her backward into a state of panic. Her intuition warns, “It is happening again.” In a frenzy, she searches for evidence that her partner is cheating and confronts him or her.
Initially, patient and remorseful, the partner who is attempting to regain the person’s trust may grow exasperated at the intermittent interrogations. Eventually, the partner may lash out at the person, and demand she “let it go.” Now, the innocent party experiences deep shame for her reaction. She feels “crazy,” although she is not the one who deceived. Frequently, the person reprimands herself for feeling insecure, unsure, and vulnerable while the guilty partner moves ahead less impacted psychologically.
Imprisoned by Defense Mechanisms
A person who feels as if her life has been instantaneously ripped apart by the discovery that a trusted partner is cheating may be experiencing a form of emotional trauma. The brain often unconsciously resurrects defense mechanisms to protect a person from having to re-experience sudden and unpredictable emotional anguish. One of these defense mechanisms includes anticipating the negative event in the future. This provides a person with the opportunity to psychologically prepare. Predicting the assault allows a person a chance to protect her world from suddenly shattering without warning, which is one of the most disturbing experiences a person can endure. So, like a detective, the person searches for any clue that this traumatizing event may occur again.
Although this defense mechanism serves a purpose, to protect a person from psychological trauma, it also keeps her imprisoned. Most likely, the hypervigilance exhausts the person and also frustrates her partner. In addition, an unfaithful partner’s possible lack of empathy may beef up her defenses because she senses additional emotional distance in the relationship. Without continued closeness and trust, the relationship may feel like a ticking time bomb.
The unconscious impulse to protect oneself from a crushing emotional blow is human. Yet, a person who gains awareness of her unconscious defense mechanisms may be able to deal with the situation in a new way. Consciously adopting a different coping strategy may help.
Embracing the Situation by Developing a Plan
Instead of anticipating a “worst-case scenario,” it may be better to embrace it. For example, let's say Brian discovers emails from his wife’s boyfriend. He is devastated. As he recovers from the emotional trauma, he is compelled to continually patrol his wife’s texts and emails to ensure it is not happening again. Yet, as he continually investigates, his wife is increasingly irritated. Brian is anxious and restless.
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It may be useful for Brian to embrace the possibility that his wife may cheat again. She was unfaithful once, so it may happen a second time. Next, Brian may reflect on what he would do if she did. Developing a viable plan may assist Brian in preparing for heartbreak in a new way.
Brian brainstorms about ways in which he can find contentment with or without his partner. He researches lake homes in his area. There are plenty of cozy homes on the water that seem to fit Brian’s wish list. Brian decides to separate from his wife if she cheats again and, then, purchase a home on the waterfront. He comforts himself with this plan until he is able to fully trust his wife again. When the trust that once existed is restored, he invites her to participate in his endeavor.
Alternatively, Brian isn’t able to re-capture the trust that once existed with his wife. However, he has a “plan B.” Although his back-up plan is less desirable than his current situation, it offers an “escape hatch” from the torture of possible re-traumatization.
Unexpectedly discovering a partner is unfaithful may cause extreme shock and emotional pain. Feeling duped and deceived may result in a person questioning her perception of reality. A person who is unable to trust her judgment in certain ways may unknowingly act defensively to protect herself from future emotional pain. Although these defenses are often geared toward predicting an additional shocking event, the hypervigilance often holds a person hostage. It may be necessary to adopt a different coping strategy that embraces the possibility of the negative event re-occurring and allows a person to consciously prepare.
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